It was the best of times
It was the worst of times
It was the age of wisdom
It was the age of foolishness
It was the epoch of belief
It was the epoch of incredulity
It was the season of light
It was the season of darkness
It was the spring of hope
It was the winter of despair
We had everything before us
We had nothing before us
We were all going direct to heaven
We were all going direct the other way
In short , the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
- Charles Dickens in A Tale of Two Cities
I find that beginning to be a fitting start to a story about perceptions of the world seen through the eyes of a few global citizens struggling to eek an existence out in a time when immediate surroundings seemed to change at such a rapid rate that even the most forward minded individuals barely kept up.
Here I am nearly two centuries later trying to do the exact same thing. In a world where I am constantly told that I must give definition to abstract thoughts, I have become lost trying to place events on some moralistic ladder of importance. I have continued this process over and over for quite a while with the hope that it will somehow lead to my eventual enlightenment and happiness but I know that it wont. Instead, here I am sitting in a chair trying to trace back the steps that I took that made me lose the essence of what it means to be truly human. The following is the conclusion that I have come to after a few hours of reflection.....and taco bell.
I hate to make rash generalizations about people as a whole so I am going to try and only speak of my own personal experience. I think the day that I started to forget who I was, was the day that I realized that something made me fundamentally different than most boys my age. I dont mean to turn this into some stereotypical rant about how being gay made me hate myself because I think that most people, espescially at that age, went through stages where they truly disliked themselves whether they were straight, gay, or anything in between. (hhaha and i guess i just made a generlization) That was the first time in my life when I can coherently remember lying to myself. I constantly told myself that I was going to change. I was going to become "normal." That is all a self doubting 12 or 13 year old boy really wants. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I failed to embrace the gift of variance that I had been given, but I dont fault myself for that. Lying to myself was the easy way out and I cant fault myself for taking it. Sadly, the proverbial addage about how lying is a slippery slope came quite true in my life. The more I told myself all those lies, the easier it became and of course the next logical step was lying to others. As the years passed, I became better and better at both types of lies. I even got to the point where I could almost convince myself I was happy living in this self concocted lie that was my life. I never could quite get myself over the edge though. In the back of mind, there was always that one part of me that wouldnt allow me to completely engulf myself within my world of fantasy. Eventually that part of me broke through and I ended up telling everyone about exactly what it was that made me different than them. I only did it for an entirely selfish reason, becuase I could no longer live with myself. However, even today I still find honesty to be challenging for me. I dont like to lie but I find myself doing it almost involuntarily at times. It is easy but it stops me from progressing any further.
Even to this day, I doubt myself when I walk into a restaurant with another guy. Do they think I'm gay? Do they think he is related to me? Do they think he is just a friend?
Do any of those fucking question even matter one slight bit?
No
And so today begins a new process for me. I have to push past this doubt that has been tethering me to this sinking ship of lies and deception. I am 22 years old, old enough to know that happiness cant be found in a sea of lies. I may have graduated college but today I return to the fundamental truths that I have been taught since I was 4.
1. Be yourself.
2. Be honest.
3. It doesnt matter what other people think, It only matters what you think.
Call me naive, but sometimes the best solutions are the simplest.
- Kyle
It was the worst of times
It was the age of wisdom
It was the age of foolishness
It was the epoch of belief
It was the epoch of incredulity
It was the season of light
It was the season of darkness
It was the spring of hope
It was the winter of despair
We had everything before us
We had nothing before us
We were all going direct to heaven
We were all going direct the other way
In short , the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.
- Charles Dickens in A Tale of Two Cities
I find that beginning to be a fitting start to a story about perceptions of the world seen through the eyes of a few global citizens struggling to eek an existence out in a time when immediate surroundings seemed to change at such a rapid rate that even the most forward minded individuals barely kept up.
Here I am nearly two centuries later trying to do the exact same thing. In a world where I am constantly told that I must give definition to abstract thoughts, I have become lost trying to place events on some moralistic ladder of importance. I have continued this process over and over for quite a while with the hope that it will somehow lead to my eventual enlightenment and happiness but I know that it wont. Instead, here I am sitting in a chair trying to trace back the steps that I took that made me lose the essence of what it means to be truly human. The following is the conclusion that I have come to after a few hours of reflection.....and taco bell.
I hate to make rash generalizations about people as a whole so I am going to try and only speak of my own personal experience. I think the day that I started to forget who I was, was the day that I realized that something made me fundamentally different than most boys my age. I dont mean to turn this into some stereotypical rant about how being gay made me hate myself because I think that most people, espescially at that age, went through stages where they truly disliked themselves whether they were straight, gay, or anything in between. (hhaha and i guess i just made a generlization) That was the first time in my life when I can coherently remember lying to myself. I constantly told myself that I was going to change. I was going to become "normal." That is all a self doubting 12 or 13 year old boy really wants. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I failed to embrace the gift of variance that I had been given, but I dont fault myself for that. Lying to myself was the easy way out and I cant fault myself for taking it. Sadly, the proverbial addage about how lying is a slippery slope came quite true in my life. The more I told myself all those lies, the easier it became and of course the next logical step was lying to others. As the years passed, I became better and better at both types of lies. I even got to the point where I could almost convince myself I was happy living in this self concocted lie that was my life. I never could quite get myself over the edge though. In the back of mind, there was always that one part of me that wouldnt allow me to completely engulf myself within my world of fantasy. Eventually that part of me broke through and I ended up telling everyone about exactly what it was that made me different than them. I only did it for an entirely selfish reason, becuase I could no longer live with myself. However, even today I still find honesty to be challenging for me. I dont like to lie but I find myself doing it almost involuntarily at times. It is easy but it stops me from progressing any further.
Even to this day, I doubt myself when I walk into a restaurant with another guy. Do they think I'm gay? Do they think he is related to me? Do they think he is just a friend?
Do any of those fucking question even matter one slight bit?
No
And so today begins a new process for me. I have to push past this doubt that has been tethering me to this sinking ship of lies and deception. I am 22 years old, old enough to know that happiness cant be found in a sea of lies. I may have graduated college but today I return to the fundamental truths that I have been taught since I was 4.
1. Be yourself.
2. Be honest.
3. It doesnt matter what other people think, It only matters what you think.
Call me naive, but sometimes the best solutions are the simplest.
- Kyle
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