Its been a while....

Wow this really has been a while.....

I honestly can not say that I even know where to begin and, to that end, this post will probably lack any sort of continuity. At the risk of sounding ridiculously cliche, in the time between the present and my last post, I have really been forced to re-evaluate myself in many ways. This "re-evaluation" process has allowed me to be more at peace with who I am and what I want from life and the people I surround myself with. I've learned that its not necessarily a terrible virtue to be self-contradicting. For the longest time I felt like I had to live on the tail end of extremes. Either I had to be an extremely social person and accept the loss of inner sanctity and deep meaning, or I had to close myself off and lose the comfort that comes from personal understanding that only close friends and relationships can provide. Nothing could be further from the truth and neither can provide the ever elusive "happiness" that we all seek.

Coming to the conclusion that people are walking contradictions wrapped up in bemusement and facade has opened up a whole new window for me. That last sentence makes me feel like I'm reverting back to my cynical nature but I'm really not. The point is that we are all so many different things at so many different times, that it becomes difficult to characterize anyone in any particular way. The more I have tried to do just that, the more disappointed I become. I guess at some point, I had to make the apt decision to just let people be people, including myself. I no longer feel like I have to be one thing at one time. Instead I can be a multitude of contradicting ideas at the same time. Its okay....

I've learned that my expectations don't always have to be met. If I stay too focused, I tend to lose sight of my surroundings. The 'eyes on the goal' mentality is great in some instances and terrible in others. Getting to the finish line but having lost all perspective in the process is not really a win. This has been hard for me to really grasp. My life has been so goal-oriented up until now........ do well in high school so I can get into a good college....do well in college so I can get a good job....get a good job so that im financially stable......but I wonder what I have lost in the process. I always have this lingering feeling that one day my fortunes could turn and I could end up where I started. As a seven or eight year old, getting food from foodshare and going to the donut and bagel stores to get the leftover food for free was almost a game. I'm sure some part of me knew I wasn't in the best position but I was ok with that....then. I always feel like I am one mistep, one mistake away from ending up back there at some point in the future....and the truth is I don't know if I could handle it now. So i move forward, continuing to set goals for myself, goals away from where I started, all the while missing the sights along the path.

WHEEEEEEEEW okay i feel better now :o)